I Wasted A Year and a Half of My Life

Tuesday September 20th as I sat talking to my husband, I realized that I had wasted a year and a half of my life…………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………..on fear.

I had wasted a year and a half of my life being afraid of what he would say, what he would do, how he would respond, and if he would leave: “Was he trying to control me?” I feared. “If I make a huge mistake will he forgive me?” I asked myself.  “Can I really tell him what I’m thinking and how I feel?” I thought to myself.  My fears had consumed my life and had threatened to consume my marriage.

For 27 years I had lived in fear of people and what they would think of me. Hiding who I was and keeping my true thoughts and feelings to myself had been ingrained in me as a child so it never even dawned on me that I was living the life of a chameleon becoming different shades of myself depending on who I was around. I withheld the truth and even lied to myself and others if I thought it would “keep the peace,” preventing what I feared would be a nasty conflict.

Really I was just trying to protect myself from rejection; What if you didn’t like who I really am? What if what I said offended you and caused an argument, and you decided that you didn’t want me in your life anymore?

I grew up watching and listening to my grandparents argue and tear each other down all the time so I told myself that I would never argue with anyone. My resolve turned conflict with others into my biggest fear so I tried to avoid it at all cost, and it was my avoidance of conflict that had brought me to my biggest conflict within my marriage.

Funny right? The very thing we try to run from we usually run smack into.

In this conflict, I was forced to show my husband who he had really married after knowing each other for six years.  I had to tell him my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings about myself and about what I thought of him.  I had to come clean about lies I had to told out of fear and truly be honest with not only him but myself as well.

Would he forgive me for deceiving him? Would he accept the person that I really was? Would he really love me no matter what? I had been forced to face the answer to these burning questions and I came to the overwhelming conclusion that I had wasted a year and a half of my life.

As I came out of hiding and the light of the truth shone on my forehead I noticed that it felt warm and inviting. Comforting. Not blistering hot and painful as I had expected. I thought that me being honest about my dishonesty would cause fury, rejection and unforgiveness, but instead my husband’s love for me shined in my darkest moment and I couldn’t believe it.

He actually accepted me.

He actually forgave me.

He actually loves…….ME?

Why had I been hiding for so long?!  Why hadn’t I trusted him with myself sooner?  The love he showed me after seeing the dark side of me was reminiscent of how Christ loves the church and died for it to present it spotless before God.

My husband was determined to love the hell out of me and his Christ like love for me blew me away.

What a waste I realized.

I spent so much time living in fear that I had almost robbed myself of the honor of experiencing real love.

A love that chooses to love over and over no matter what.

For better or for worse love.

Godly love.

God’s expression of love for me through mankind.

Unconditional love………………

I realized that I had wasted a year and a half of my life hiding not just from myself or my husband, but from love.

Silly me.

Remember transparency saves lives,

Gigi Jones

1 Peter 4:8 – Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

What has fear caused you to waste time doing?

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